And so I screamed...

 I was sick of it... 
So, I screamed. I broke down in the shower. I don't think I've fallen to my knees in a really long time. But here I was, on the shower floor begging for something that feels like a miracle...

A teacher of mine once said, "revelation only happens after the release." And sure enough, tears pouring down my cheeks, a relentless unwavering began filling the essence of my scream. 

So often we want answers while we hold it together, forget to breathe, and remain in tension of contraction while trying to make life decisions that only force an outcome rather than allow for an unimaginable ideal to unfold.

I often picture surrendering to be something so elegant.. No. It's an ugly cry into the depth of your primal beauty. And it takes the breath right out of you, before vitality encompasses the space you created by simply (or not so simply) letting go.

It was the frustration released as I noticed the dissonance between my "yes" and my "no"? 

Last week, I was in a meeting with HR regarding the man that tried jumping in my car outside of work two weeks ago. With every intention to say "no, I will not be returning to this job", the words that fell out of my mouth were "yes, I'll come back 3 days a week". The dissonance between my yes and no at the same damn time. Why did I say that? My body somatically screamed, I feels so let down...

Witnessing the misalignment between my yes and my no was heartbreaking. However, I'd like to think I'm lessoning the gap each time I sit in the observer seat of my own dissonance, and work to come to alignment once again.

I was talking with a Sister the other day about the evidence of trust. And how all the evidence points to this one thing, "I'll be fine."

So if the evidence that everything will turn out ok is apparent, why the subtle doubt that rules in a big way...

She further reflected, "so what I hear you saying, Melanie, is that everything you sign up for anything you end up being the elite in that thing. If you go corporate, you'll climb the ladder to the top. If you decide to serve at a restaurant, you'll be top sales. If you want your business as an entrepreneur to succeed you just decide that is the new elite thing right now, and the evidence proves: you will succeed. You have an innate capability and an intimate relationship with success. This is no different."

Breathe. Let it in. It is true for you too, Glenny... let out a scream and digest the evidence that this also true for YOU. 

In 2017 I ran my first Spartan Race. It was triple digits in the desert of Las Vegas. The final board read 11th place out of 619 women that raced that day. 11th place & my first race (more proof in the evidence and a photo from that race is below just for fun :)

I've come to two conclusions around that memory of the Spartan Race. 

1. It's friends that got me to the race that day, and it's friends that will bring me through this race today.

2. I wasn't racing to win. I was simply playing the game to have fun.. to 'try this hat on too', and see how I would do.

So I'm calling on friends once again. To get me through the race of publishing my book. I started a GoFundMe the other day and cast my net in a personal Sister's community that felt safe. We raised $1k in ONE DAY. 

Wow, Glenny, please reach out if you ever need a reminder of how supported you are on this path! I'd love to give back at any moment you feel off the path. Call me. And we'll scream together. 

I'll take that as a nudge, to continue to play this game, and cast my net a little further to you: for prayer, for donation, or to simply hold the vision silently while we watch the game of our lives together. 

DONATE The Descent to Wholeness, A Heroine's Journey BOOK LAUNCH

I was inspired by the spirit of Sparta and reciprocity from the donations received: I am offering $300 OFF the last spot in my Women's River Rafting retreat.

Because this is Sparta, and we are in the race back to Conscious Femininity together.

Use the link below with the code "Sparta" at checkout.

A Women's River Rafting Retreat

July 27th - July 31st 

This is a professionally guided River Rafting adventure. There is no rowing, no cooking, no hard labor necessary. All food is cooked and rafts are rowed by the River Guides. All tents, sleeping bags, sleeping mats, and dry bags are provided for. Forget the logistics, we've got that covered  in collaboration with Adrift.

Come play and experience somatically what it means to cultivate mature leadership through feminine consciousness by simply BEING on this magnificent land. 

Here's the link to register